Ipse Dixit

Did Toyota's crappy car help send this man to prison?

2010-03-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

This man was convicted by jury of vehicular manslaughter, all the while claiming his Toyota went out of control. Doesn't sound so unbelievable now, does it?

(Some) Prosecutors are idiots

2010-03-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

Reason 10,984 why I am a public defender is to help people charged with bullshit cases. Check this shit out: a couple is being charged with misdemeanors for removing their lawn in an effort to save money and reduce water usage. They have a new baby and are trying to reduce their monthly expenses. As a new mommy, I can totally appreciate that. The City Attorney of Orange, California apparently does not appreciate that. Even after the couple installed a pretty decorative fence and some drought resistant plants, still not good enough. The Code says 40% of the lawn must have living plants, god damn it! These people must be PUNISHED! They must COMPLY! If they don't, they can get up to 6 months in jail!!

So, let me get this straight...California is constantly in a drought. City officials are always telling people to CONSERVE WATER. This couple went from using 299,221 gallons a year to 58, 348 gallons a year. Good for the environment, right?? No, fuck these criminals says the prosecutor. These people are more concerned with providing for their daughter than with keeping their fucking grass green. If they didn't provide for their daughter, then the city attorney would charge them with child abuse.

Read the article here. And don't ask me why the dumbass author of this article doesn't realize that the couple isn't being sued, as the headline implies, they are being prosecuted. Just a smidge of a difference.

Juvies abused by probation officers, county does little about it

2010-03-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

People wonder why juvies re-offend, well here is just one reason...when your probation officer commits crimes against you, it makes the road to rehabilitation that much harder. Oh, and of course when your abuser is able to escape punishment and stay employed supervising you and other young people, the message that you are a worthless, unlovable, lost cause gets driven home even harder. FUCK YOU LA County Dept of Probation! A tight budget is no excuse for this, it's a smoke screen for the real issue: you don't give a shit about these kids. Shameful.

Articles here and here.

Ask me again why I do my job

2010-02-25T14:30:00.001-08:00

This woman, Biurny Peguero Gonzalez, recently plead guilty to perjury in NY and is looking at 1-3 years in prison. What did she do, you ask?

She lied about being raped, and an INNOCENT man was sentenced to 20 years in prison. William McCaffrey served 4 years in prison because of this despicable woman. And you know branded as a rapist, that 4 years was really easy time to do.

She lied over, and over, and over. To doctors, to cops, to prosecutors, and to a jury of 12 people. She said she was 110% sure that this man had raped her at knife point. You know why she lied?? Because she went off with McCaffrey and his friends while she was out drinking with her friends, and when she met back up with her friends they were all pissed off. So she told them she had been raped in order to get them to stop picking on her. That's it.

This should be on the front page of every newspaper in the country, so that every citizen can get it through their thick skulls why it is that we have a criminal justice system rooted on the concept of innocent unless proven guilty.

Dear potential jurors/DA's/judges/cops: COMPLAINING WITNESSES LIE ALL THE TIME!! Sometimes they lie for revenge. Sometimes they lie to gain advantage in a child custody case. Sometimes they lie to cover up for their own criminal behavior. And sometimes, like in this case, they lie for the most ridiculous reasons that would never motivate a normal person to lie. People just lie sometimes. Period. And sometimes because of those lies, innocent people rot away in prison. I've stood in courtrooms shocked, holding back tears, powerless, and watched it happen. It is a nightmare.

Don't misunderstand me, most witnesses are telling what the truth, or at least what they believe is the truth. But even the most emphatic witnesses is often times honestly mistaken about what they think they experienced. Just look at all of the innocent people released after spending decades in prison for crimes they didn't commit. If it wasn't for DNA and The Innocence Project, those people would never get out. Now think about the fact that most crimes do not have DNA evidence to be reviewed, and for so many wrongfully convicted people there is no exoneration possible.

The bottom line is this; gross injustices occur every day in this country. And the thought of innocent people being convicted or crimes they didn't commit is something that should scare the shit out of all of us. Not only out of empathy, but out of self-preservation - because it could happen to any of us. And if you don't think so, you are living in a dream world. Have a nice time there.

As far as rotting away in prison goes, I hope this woman gets maxed out. She should have to serve at least as much time as her victim did.

Seriously?

2010-01-27T08:58:00.000-08:00

I have never really understood the attraction of sororities and fraternities, not even when I was in college. Part of me is a very much a girly girl, but the other part of me loves football and curses like a sailor. I just wouldn't fit in, and I wouldn't want to, frankly.

Check out the rules that a Cornell sorority "rush chair" -whatever the hell that means - sent to all the poor souls trying to get into this dumb ass sororotiy.

I know I am painting with an awfully broad brush here, but this is exactly the type of shit I imagine goes on in every sorority. I suppose that if you are the type of girl who wants to "look like someone that others would die to hang out with" (I am quoting, here) then you are also the type of girl who would be desparate enough to allow someone else to dictate exactly what shade of eyeshadow to wear in order to get into an allegedly "exclusive" group of girls as friends, and would be willing to pay for this privilege.

Needless to say, if someone every handed me a list like this I would tell them to go fuck themselves.

It is awesome!

Date Night!!

2010-01-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

Mmmmm, first post-baby date night with the hubby was a smashing success! This was the first time since Sam arrived that we have had dinner, just the two of us. It was long overdue. We live about 6 hours away from family ever so willing to babysit, so getting to go out on a date is tough. We make date nights at the house (rent a movie, yummy dinner), but there is really no substitute for the real thing.

Words cannot express my gratitude that my father and step-mother who were in town this weekend, and begged to babysit for us.

Cozy Italian spot near the house. Panzanella salad (heirloom tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, basil, dressed simply in olive oil and red wine, with a touch of oregano), a glass of a delicious barolo. Ok, TWO glasses of barolo. The most amazing osso bucco, served over saffron risotto, and an apple tart with a light and airy crust, drizzled with a touch of caramel sauce that was not at all overpowering, or too sticky.

To top it all off, we came home and the baby was asleep in the exact same spot he was in when we left. Nana and Papa said they hadn't heard a peep out of him while we were gone. We fed him, put him right back to bed, and are now headed off to sleep ourselves.

Nice Sunday!

Sam Law #1

2010-01-17T21:53:00.001-08:00

The cuter the outfit, the better the chance that my son will spit up on it, and necessitate a change of clothes, before leaving the house.

Strange

2010-01-15T10:42:00.000-08:00

Why is it that (according to the ratings) no one is really watching any of the late night shows, but so many people - me included - seem to care about this whole NBC Leno/Conan debacle??

And btw, even though I never ever watch his show, I am fully Team CoCo. When in doubt, the person with a ginge pompadore wins.

Roll Tide

2010-01-08T10:57:00.001-08:00

Was it just me, or did Nick Saban look PISSED at his players for that gatorade shower after Bama won the National Championship last night??

Ok, yeah he probably has an ear infection now from that gatorade being dumped in his ear, and possibly a concussion from the bucket hitting him in the head, but still, he just won the National Championship (lucky Colt McCoy got hurt though, Bama. Sorry to say it).

Why so mad, Nick Saban? Is it because you heard that I always, inexplicably get you and Dave Wannstedt confused? Understandable that you would be mad. I honestly cannot explain why I always screw you two up, considering you don't really look anything alike. Sorry, homie.

Why??

2010-01-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Katharine McPhee, what have you done to yourself?

I had a love/hate relationship with McPhee when she was on Idol. I was a big, big, big Elliot Yamin fan - so not until he got booted out of a spot on the finale did I start rooting for McPhee (because, I mean, let's face it...Taylor Hicks was lame). She has a great voice, but she was always taking herself and that voice just a tad too seriously. But I appreciated her training and her effort. And she certainly looked the part of a pop star. Please see exhibit A:

Yawza! By the time the finale rolled around, she was polished and pulled together, and hot (that is some impressive cleavage). She was lovely in all her brunette glory, so why would she go and make herself into a short haired blond girl? I don't get it! She had PERFECT hair: long, shiny, bouncy. Hmph! If I had hair like she had I would never cut it or mess with the color so drastically. I would spend lots of tossing it around triumphantly as lesser haired women stood open-jawed with jealousy, and I might even occasionally allow peons to be photographed with me and my fabulous hair. But cut it and bleach it blond - never!

She has a new album coming out this month, the release of which was pushed back a few months which is never a good sign. But I will have to check out the clips on Amazon and see if it is a workout music worthy download.

And I wish her and her hair the best of luck in all future endeavors.

Blond McPhee photo by Liz O. Baylen/ LA Times

Yellow dressed McPhee photo via WireImage

Stupid Me

2009-12-27T09:46:00.001-08:00

Hey blogpot, what is the default font for postings? I screwed something up, and am too sleep deprived to figure it out.

Help!

Shitty idea, DA of Montgomery County Texas!

2009-12-27T09:21:00.001-08:00

My husband just posted a link of this article on Facebook: "Drunk Drivers in Texas to be Named on Twitter". I read it. Then my head exploded. If it wasn't for the fact that there is a (thankfully) soundly sleeping infant laying at my side, I would be screaming and gesturing wildly about my thoughts on this article while my husband sits blinking at me and trying to dodge the objects I toss around the house.

So, instead of waking my sleeping child up, I will unload my thoughts here, to you good people of the internet.

The title of this article is the EXACT reason that this is a shitty, irresponsible idea. The title implies that these people are GUILTY of driving under the influence, when in fact they haven't been CONVICTED of anything, haven't had a chance to confront the evidence against them, etc., they have only been ARRESTED for doing so. There is a huge difference, and the DA knows that but would rather reinforce the arrested=guilty misconception that people always harbor. The DA knows damn well that the average reader (and average potential juror) will jump to the arrested = guilty conclusion and it is completely irresponsible of him to knowingly erode the public's already tentative understanding/belief of the concept of being innocent unless proven guilty. People say they understand this concept, but the truth of the matter is that once you are sitting in the seat of a criminal defendant, people assume you are guilty and there is a huge hill to climb to show otherwise. The DA knows that the average person operates under the guilty until proven innocent frame of thought. I am not surprised that a little thing like due process is not important in this country. Sure, we say it is. The courts say it is sacrosanct. But the truth of the matter is that when someone is charged, the assumption is that they are guilty scumbags - until of course you actually know a person in that situation, then you are properly thankful that every citizen gets their day in court.

Why should we even have trials in this country?! The police only arrest guilty people, right? They never make mistakes, right? You shouldn't have a right to defend yourself and fight accusations against you, right? Bottom line: cops lie and/or make mistakes, evidence is fabricated, exonerating evidence is lost/destroyed/"misplaced, witness lie and/or make mistakes, seemingly damning evidence has perfectly rational explanations, the wrong people are identified, people have solid legal defenses ALL THE TIME!!! This is why the trial process exists in this county. Oh damn it, this is way too much for me this early in the morning! ;)

And where have YOU been hiding?

2009-12-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry to the three readers I am sure I have left at this point. I have been gone a long, long time.

Long story short: I have a 5 week old baby friend in my house now. So, I haven't had any fun PD stuff to post since I started leave over two months ago. Yeah, yeah I know I haven't posted since May and my math doesn't add up, so shut it.

Since I am not working for a few more months, I shall resume (in as regular a fashion as I can manage) to post snarky celebrity gossip, football angst, and lots of baby stuff in the very near future. For those PD content connoisseurs, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming in the spring.

Thanks to anyone left out there on the interwebs who still cares to read.

What a Friday

2009-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

I had to run a prelim today where the client was charged with having drugs in his possession while in county custody. Said drugs (crack) were up my clients butt. They were discovered during a routine strip search after my client was transferred from one facility to another. He had a latex glove, with the drugs inside, sticking out of his booty.

Yeah, that's right. I said the crack was up his butt.

The highlight of my day was hearing the cop say, on direct, "He told me he needed a toilet to 'shit it out.'"

Wow. Had it been my case, I would have just waived prelim, since there were NO ISSUES whatsoever. The client wants to get his strike stricken (The offer was low term, doubled) and I don't know if that is going to happen since his strike isn't really all that old. So, I would have chosen NOT to do the prelim, since the dude has no triable issues.

I mean, hello, can you be in more possession of an item than one that is up your butt??? It isn't like those cases where a client, who is found with drugs in the pocket of their pants, tells you "Those weren't MY pants. I was wearing my friend Crack Head Bill's pants. I didn't know it was in there! I sweeeaaaar!" I mean, drugs don't accidentally or without your knowledge end up in your ass.

Right?!

Sadness

2009-05-06T07:28:00.001-07:00

I met a 25 year old girl yesterday charged with her first DUI. She blew a .29 BAC. She smelled of alcohol at 9:00am. I saw her life flash before my eyes, and it wasn't pretty.

Sometimes, my job is just sad.

Things I have learned as a Public Defender

2009-05-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

Never trust a colleague who thrusts a file in your hand at 4:00pm on Friday afternoon and says, "This client is a custody plea. Everything is ready to go. It is time served. Totally simple. Gotta run...byyyyeee!"

You should never believe a colleague who feeds you this line because they will commonly leave shit out like, oh, I don't know:

The client is crazy
They neglected to tell the client about the restraining order
That when said client hears about the restraining order, ya know, for the first time on the record, that the client is going to FREAK the fuck out
The client is crazy
The client is crazy

OMG!!!

2009-04-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

We won one! We won one!!

Go read Arizona v. Gant immediately.

Here is the holding of The US Supremes:
"Police may search the passenger compartment of a vehicle incident to a recent occupant’s arrest only if it is reasonable to believe that the arrestee might access the vehicle at the time of the search or that the vehicle contains evidence of the offense of arrest."

This of course will not stop the cops from just saying that every search is consensual and win anyway, but still!! Hooray for The Fourth Amendment!

woah

2009-04-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

All I can say is that if Bai Ling was my client, I would certainly have to declare a doubt.

Read this interview IMMEDIATELY.

I wonder

2009-04-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that my only function as a public defender is to cloak the sins of an unjust system. Since I am there, in a courtroom with two prosecutors against me (the one in the suit at counsel table and the one in the robe on the bench), I give the illusion that things are fair, when in fact they are anything but. All I can do is fight back and make noise, but ultimately the system marches right over top of me and my clients.

Sometimes I just feel like a pawn.

Sorry, it was a bad day :(

Overheard in court

2009-04-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

"But, Ms. Dixit, why would the police officer lie?" -- My bench officer! This is never a good sign during arguments in a motion to suppress.

I am too exhausted to detail the steaming pile of injustice that was served up in court today, sufficed to say that no matter how big of a liar the cop clearly is, my judge will NEVER question their credibility.

I want to go to there!

2009-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

Yessssss I know I have been a bit lax in my posting as of late. Cut me some slack, I drive 60 miles each way to work. You know what would cheer me up and wash all my cares away? A trip here:

The Museum of Bad Art!

A museum whose moto is "Art too bad to be ignored," sounds freakin' awesome to me. Check out some of the masterpieces contained in this delightful establishment:

If I ever get to Dedham, MA this is the first place I am going!

Law Funnies

2009-03-03T21:25:00.001-08:00

These are just a sampling of the incredibly funny cartoons to be found at courtoons.wordpress.com.

Apparently you have to be a lawyer to find this stuff funny, because I read a couple to my husband as I was cracking up. He didn't seem to find it very funny. I was like, "Babe, isn't this funny??" and he deadpans back, "Yeah...hilarious."

Whatev. You lawyers will laugh! Check out the link.

Just F.Y.I.

2009-02-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

When your doctor tells you that a muscle relaxer is "non-drowsy" do not test out that theory by popping one while sitting at your desk after a big lunch. Especially if you have a light in your office that is set on a motion detector. Because, and I am NOT speaking from experience or anything, you might close your eyes for a second. And then the lights might switch off. And then you could end up taking an accidental nap in your office.

Or so I hear.

Oscar Hotness

2009-02-23T08:17:00.000-08:00

Well, since my pain and discomfort threshold have been breached today, I am staying home from work and whimpering on the couch. Therefore, I must find a way to amuse myself. I chose to do it by looking through all of the Oscar photos and giving out some much deserved awards.

Best Jewels Award: Angelina Jolie

HOLY CRAP!! Angelina Jolie, my hat is off to you, bitch. I estimated your ring at 50 carats, it topped 65 carats. Touche. The color, breathtaking. The setting, breathtaking. And those earrings were a total of 115 carats between only 4 perfectly color matched emeralds. Wow. That brings the total gem weight for the evening to 180 carats. This is some Elizabeth Taylor shit. Actually, Liz cannot decide whether to slap her across the face or take her out for a 3 martini lunch because those emeralds are so fabulous. Now granted, this suite was loaned to Angie (I have conflicting reports of Fred Leighton and Lorraine Schwartz), but nevertheless, it takes a certain woman to pull this sort of jaw-dropping opulence. I heart her forever, and ever, and ever.

Best Dressed Female: Taraji Henson

I didn't see Benjamin Button, nor anything else nominated this year (yeah, that is right, I am a recluse when it comes to movie going), so I did not recognize this actress as the one who played Brad Pitts mother in the film. I did, however, recognize her as looking amazing in this Roberto Cavalli gown. The cut, the color, the tiering are all so beautiful on her, and the train on it gives it that added drama that an Oscar gown should have, without being fussy. Everything about her was absolute perfection: her clutch, her manicure, her jewels, her hair and makeup. Everything. She knew she was going to the Oscars and was like, "Oh, I am going to bring it tonight." Word. She did. Check out the third pic down, with her and Alicia Keys (whose makeup and hair were super pretty). Taraji is totally telling that bitch to step.

The "That Dress Is Waaay Too Old For You" UnAward: Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is like 16 or something, right? Then why is she wearing this heavily beaded full- skirted gown that would be appropriate if worn by someone twice her age? It is just way too serious of a dress for a teenager. Although I like the neckline of the dress a lot, it is a wee too much skin for a girl who is just able to get her driver's license. I normally do like a belt on a ball gown, although SJP did this way better (see below), because it is so 1950's era amazingness. Alas, I do not enjoy this particular belt. On a positive note, props to the stylist for at least keeping the jewelry toned down. Miley, you are a teenager. Next time, wear a party dress in a fun color, not beaded within an inch of its life, and not so full skirty, and we will get along better.

The "My Skin Is Better Than Your Skin" Award: Evan Rachel Wood

When I first saw pictures of Evan Rachel Wood, her makeup looked so harsh that I started to rip her for pulling a Morticia Adams look last night. But upon further review of better pics, I see that she is looking amazing and her skin looks insanely good. It is pretty tough to pull off the my-skin-matches-my-dress look without looking totally washed out. She does it and manages to look like a thousand angels kissed her skin and farted dew-drops on her. Hmph. Nicely done.

Worst Dressed Female: Beyonce

Ugh, Beyonce. Sasha Fierce should slap this shit out of you for this mess. I know you have your own *cough* fashion line and all, but you should immediately fire everyone at House of Deron for creating this thing. And please, I nearly choked on my coffee this morning when I read the words "House of Deron, Couture" in the caption for this ish. Get over yourself.

B, if I see you in another damn strapless mermaid dress I am going to vomit. And don't get me started on this print. Sweet jesus, it looks like you were assaulted by Liberace's couch! Bleck. This dress is not doing you any favors. In fact, this dress has set out to ruin you. Seriously.

The Holy Boobies, Batman! Award: Sarah Jessica Parker

Wow! Where did these puppies come from? SJP's cans have definitely gotten a visit from the implant fairy or that is one helleva gown - it is Dior Couture, so perhaps it is the construction of the bodice. The color, which you can see better in the second picture, and the silhouette went well with everyone's pretty princess theme of the evening. Seriously, did a memo go out to all the ladies that they should wear some pale ball gown last night? Anyway...I love the belt. Hair and makeup look pretty, and I agree with the choice to forgo a necklace and let the beading in the bodice do the talking.

Hard Lesson

2009-02-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

This week I learned why Justice is blindfolded. It is so when someone runs up, cold-cocks her, and steals her handbag, she will not be able to identify the judge and prosecutor tag team that did it!

I had a client who got royally FUCKED at a probation violation hearing. I called 3 wits, all of whom were incredibly believable. I cited caselaw DIRECTLY on point saying I win. The prosecution's only wit (the cop) was such a huge liar even the court staff knew it. The prosecutor later told me she was embarassed by his testimony.

And how was justice served? My client got a year.

Hooray justice! I have to go slit my wrists.

There is nothing quite like doing everything within your power, and doing it well, and having it not matter one fucking bit.

Try and tell me I don't have a dangerous job

2009-01-28T20:07:00.001-08:00

Because I could just be at work someday and THIS could happen! Ugh, I would rather get shanked then to suffer through this!!!

Jeffrey Martin, I hope you get a much needed vacation. And your office should pay for it!

If only my clients could think of this!

2009-01-23T22:18:00.000-08:00

I would LOVE to be the lawyer in this case.

Check it.

Do you think that they have Public Defenders? Or do these guys take the case?

Things that suck

2009-01-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

Forgetting to check what is next in your Netflix queue and getting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer shipped to you in January. Argh!

It is a good thing that they send you those emails, because I was able to avoid the next movie getting shipped out: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Ahhh, January 19th!

2009-01-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Obama Eve!

Happy MLK day!

And only a few more hours until that village in Texas gets its idiot back!

New Phone

2009-01-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

I am counting the hours until my new phone arrives. I currently have a Samsung Glyde which SUCKS MORE THAN I CAN EXPRESS!! The touchscreen is such shit. It is completely possessed and pushes buttons all by itself. I have had the software upgraded. I have had the phone replaced. Nothing works. I cannot make it through the day without having to hold myself back from slamming the f'ing thing against the wall.

This is what I got instead:

The LG Voyager Titanium.

I thought about getting a crackberry or a smartphone/pda sorta thing, but I do not want or need to be able to read my email or check dlisted.com or update my facebook status while I am in my car, because the truth of the matter is that I am a recovering texting driver, and I do not need the temptation. I am a pretty big texter, so I needed something with an awesome qwerty keyboard. And I hate, hate, hate voicemail, and this phone has visual voicemail! Which I love, because I can just look and see who left a message and call them right back. I just don't need the internet in my handbag. I just need a phone that works!!

Here's hoping this one doesn't make me want to take a sledgehammer to it.

Randomness

2009-01-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

While pulling out of Starbucks tonight, I saw a man in a sailor hat happily chomping on a giant ear of corn. WTF?

I hate Starbucks cups!

2009-01-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I pay over $2 for a normal, boring drip coffee at Starbucks, but they cannot make a lid that doesn't leak all over?! Every single time I get coffee there I have to stuff a napkin under the rim of the cup so I don't end up wearing my cup of joe.

The coffee cups/lids at freakin' 7-11 are better. And yes, if I need caffeine and have no other viable options, I will go to wherever the coffee is, so shut it.

But the Pike's Place roast is sooo good, I can't help myself but go back!

Now this I could do

2009-01-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

I always say that I don't know what I would do for a living if I wasn't a Public Defender.

That is no longer true. I could do this job:

Island Caretaker!!

The tourism board of Queensland Australia has come up with an ingenious idea. They are going to pay some lucky person over $100K for 6 months of vacation. Seriously. This is for real.

What is an island caretaker expected to do? Well, here is just a little snippet from the website:

"To keep you busy, Tourism Queensland will organise a schedule of travel and events on the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef. Your schedule could include sampling a new luxury spa treatment at qualia on Hamilton Island, trying out new snorkeling gear on Heron Island, or bushwalking on Hinchinbrook Island. "

Additionally, you will:

Live in a 3-bedroom home called "Blue Pearl" on Hamilton Island, Australia (whenever a home actually has a name, you know it is the shizz).

Write a weekly blog about how fabulous the island is.

Do island shit like snorkel, surf, hike, etc.

Basically BE ON VACATION IN HEAVEN FOR SIX MONTHS AND GET PAID FOR IT!

Seriously, I need this job!

Yippee!

2009-01-17T08:27:00.001-08:00

How did I get to be such a shoe and handbag junkie? I don't know exactly, however what I DO know is that this is my new yummy Cole Haan Genevieve Triangle Tote in suede and patent weave. Hooray!

Best misunderstanding of a name. EVER!

2009-01-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

Guy on the phone: Ok, come by in 15 minutes.
Me: Ok.
Guy on the phone: Wait, what's your name?
Me: Heather.
Guy: Ok, Pebbles. See you in 15.

WTF?!?!?!?

Yeeessssss!!!

2009-01-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

These just came in the mail for me.

Le sigh. How lovely are they?!

Thank you, Nicole Miller!

You know what I think?

2009-01-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

Fuck this.

:)

Creepy or adorable?

2009-01-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

You be the judge. Personally, I think that baby orangutan is the cutest thing ever.

Bravo!

2009-01-12T21:24:00.001-08:00

Congrats to my smarty-pants brother who earned outstanding grades in his first semester of law school!!

Way to go!

WTF award of the week

2009-01-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

Man Accused of Selling Daughter For Cash and Beer.

Wow. I wonder what kind of beer it was. I hope it was imported, at least.

Nothing says lifelong love like a Nachos Bellgrande combo meal

2009-01-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

This classy couple got married at drunk/stoned munchie heaven, Taco Bell.

I think that this marriage will be a lot like Taco Bell; it sounds like a really good idea in the beginning, but later you always regret it.

Good luck, lovebirds!

What happen to fishsticks and boxed milk?

2009-01-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

I want the Obama family to adopt me. No, not just so I can have a Secret Service codename (it would be Sassafrass, fyi), but for the sole purpose of attending school with the little ones. Check out the lunch menu at the Sidwell Friends School. (Linkalicious here.)

There seems to be a theme around here today...

2009-01-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to be a stickler, but...

Does Priscilla Presley's wedding gown mannequin REALLY have to have huge erect nipples? Grossness.

Oh my Jesus!!!

2009-01-05T19:08:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted enough commentary on pop-culture happenings lately, so here goes:

Patricia Arquette! HOLY CRAP! No more push up bras/corsets/breast implants/breastfeeding for you. This tomfoolery must end.

I have no words

2008-12-31T07:19:00.000-08:00

I present to you, the Denny's Rockstar Menu!

IMHO, the "Hooburrito" is the saddest. Seriously, are these bands even remotely cool OR new? I have no immediate plans to 'eat like a rockstar' at Denny's anytime soon - as in NEVER.

I'm an angry girl

2008-12-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

I have always had a pretty short fuse. However, in the last year or so I find that I have almost no fuse whatsoever. It is not that I have a short fuse about everything. I can deal with huge amounts of work-related chaos at once without as much as batting an eye.** However, it is the little stuff that makes me go insane. Drive what I consider to be too slow in front of me? I scream and scream about how you are a life-ruiner as I have to slow down to an unacceptable 75 mph.
Casually saunter and meander in front of me, I want to punch you in the face and mutter under my breath as I pass you (like today at Costco! Fucking Costco is the devil, and now I remember why I never go there anymore).

What seems to get to me the most is bad customer service.

Example:
I am on the phone the other day with the pharmaceutical company that makes some medication I take. I tell them that my must-be-refrigerated medicine has possibly gotten out of the recommended temperature range thanks to my stupid broken refrigerator.
Customer Service Rep: The medicine "loses stability" if out of that range.
Me: Alright, well, what does that mean exactly? Is it dangerous to use now? Is it no longer going to work? Will I grow an extra eyeball? What?
CSR: Well, you should call your pharmacist and your doctor and ask them.
Me: I'm sorry, what?
CSR: You should call your pharmacist and your doctor and ask them.
Me: Are you saying you do not know the answer to my question?
CSR: No I don't. Call your pharmacist...
Me: (laughing like a psychopath): BUT YOU ARE THE MANUFACTURER OF THIS MEDICINE!!! IF YOU DO NOT KNOW, HOW IS MY PHARMACIST GOING TO KNOW? GET ME SOMEONE WHO DOES KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!

Example:
Further outrage often bubbles up while at the grocery store. If the bagger does something like put a food item in with some toxic cleaner, I am ready to brawl. If the bagger puts 14 giants cans of something into a plastic bag, and then a bag of potato chips all by itself into another bag, I am pacing around muttering to myself. If the checker is busy chatting with some co-worker and scanning my items at a rate of one every five minutes, I start talking to my husband too loud about how it must suck to actually be expected to do work while at work.

So what I am trying to say is that I am a mean, mean person. I don't know why I get so irritated with people. I really think it boils down to the fact that being a public defender makes you go a little sideways. I just have SO much work to do, that every second I am stuck dealing with bullshit is another second that I cannot finish one of the 8,000 things sitting on my desk. And this mentality has crept into even my non-work time.

I need to chill.

Ummmm...what??

2008-12-25T22:02:00.000-08:00

I remember seeing the infomercials for this shit in the 80's. It is awesome and scary all at once. I don't know what rules more; her hair, her leotard, the music, the face exercises.

George Bush is inspirational

2008-12-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it's more like the guy who hurled his shoes at our lame duck that is inspiring people.

For instance, he has inspired men to offer their daughters in marriage:
Father Offers Daughter To Shoe-Thrower

Also, a video game has been created based on the incident. The objective, and I am quoting:
"Hit President Bush in the face with your shoes! Do it!"
(I don't know why the 'do it!' cracks me up, but it does).

This who shoe-throwing debacle is really the perfect way to cap off Georgie's presidency. It really sums up how the majority of the world feels about this guy. I must give him props though, he got down and out of the way pretty fast for an old man.

BTW, did you know that his secret service name is Tumbler?! WTF. I mean, is that because he falls down a lot? Recall the pretzel choking incident where he fell and bashed his head? Or is it a nod to his days as a big drinker - you know, 'tumbler' as in a glass receptacle for of booze?

Any ideas on the issue are welcome. I am going to go try and figure out what my secret service name should be...

Oh refrigerator, why have you forsaken me?

2008-12-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

The refrigerator broke!! We just got this thing 3 years ago. Now the compressor has gone and died and it has been about 4 days of no refrigeration whatsoever. This is starting to become a real problem. You do not even notice how often you go into your frig until the thing is the exact same temperature inside as it is out. No cold sody pop! No creamer for your coffee. No butter for your toast. Boo.

The repair guy from Sears said, worst case scenario, it could be December 30 before it is repaired!!!

So, it is possible there will be no Christmas dinner for us. That makes me so sad.

Snow Day?!

2008-12-17T15:08:00.000-08:00

In a splendid turn of events, I got snowed OUT of work today!! How the hell is this possible?? I have never experienced a "snow day" in all of my life, so I was tickled pink at the thought of staying home.

Although I wish I could have done something really exciting with my unexpected day off, instead I have spent it curled up on the couch with a box of tissue under one arm and a box of Mucinex D under the other. Yup, I am sick again.

I hope there is more snow on the way tomorrow!! I doubt I will be feeling human by tomorrow, and I could use some more time to recuperate.

Christmas Favorites

2008-12-14T22:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, my Christmas cheer has improved since my last posting. In celebration of the fact that I have a beautiful, delicious smelling tree in my living room, I ranked my favorite Christmas movies and songs:

Movies:
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (yes, the claymation one)
2. It's A Wonderful Life
3. How The Grinch Stole Christmas
4. A Christmas Story
5. Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas (it used to be on HBO all the time when I was a kid)

Honorable Mention: Scrooged

Songs:
1. Oh Come, All Ye Faithful
2. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)
3. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
4. White Christmas
5. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Honorable Mention: Oh Holy Night

Bah Humbug!

2008-12-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or were the holidays waaaaay more fun when you were a kid?

I am starting to think this guy had the right idea. I wanna punch Cindy Lou Who in the face right about now.

Congratulations

2008-11-21T19:21:00.001-08:00

My dear pal D. passed the Bar Exam!!

Anonymous quote

2008-11-21T18:13:00.001-08:00

Found this on Facebook:

"We, as criminal defense lawyers, are forced to deal with some of the lowest people on earth, people who have no sense of right and wrong, people who will lie in court to get what they want, people who do not care who gets hurt in the process. It is our job – our sworn duty – as criminal defense lawyers, to protect our clients from those people."

My powers of destruction strike again

2008-11-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

You might have thought I was kidding when I said I have kryptonite for computers. But that shit is true, because yet another computer in my possession has met its painful death.

This time my annihilation has rained down upon my hapless work computer. It has given me the blue screen of death. And it ain't comin' back.

Here is the best part. Here is how you know you work for the government:
I called the computer people and begged for help. They told me that the hard drive is likely dead, and will need to be replaced. But, um, the problem is that THERE AREN'T ANY hard drives. And so I need to put in for a new computer. But, um, the problem is that THERE AREN'T ANY computers. And there aren't even any on order. I. Am. Fucked.

So, I am an attorney without a computer. I can't do conflict checks, write motions, check case status, or any other fucking thing. I cannot do anything lawyer-ish at all. And there is no telling the situtation will be resolved.

Yippee. This was just the end I needed to the week.

Fingers Crossed

2008-11-21T06:53:00.001-08:00

Good luck to all the California Bar takers. Results are published today!!

Injustice anyone?

2008-11-21T06:49:00.001-08:00

I had a client in custody yesterday. He had failed to appear 2 days ago. 26 years old. Living on the street. No criminal record whatsoever. Not even an arrest.

He was charged with theft...for eating a piece of cheese in a store and not paying.

He was hungry because he is homeless. He opened some shitty package of cheese worth $2 and ate one piece. And the offer from the prosecution, had he accepted, would have put him on probation for three years and 10 days in county jail, which would have set him up so that the next theft could have been charged as a felony and sent him to state prison.

Is there any compassion left in this world??

Sometimes my job breaks my heart.

Pocket Full of Laptop Cryptonite

2008-11-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

I have killed another laptop. Well, maybe not killed it, but I have seriously injured it. It was taking 35 to 45 minutes from start up to getting a webpage loaded. The screen flops around like a mackerel. It goes blue screen on my for no reason. It has approximately 2 minutes of battery power. It sucks.

I think my husband got tired of listening to the myriad ways I was planning to annihilate that machine because the other night he asked me what color laptop I would like. I said purple. About 5 minutes later he said, "Ok, your laptop will be delivered on Friday."

Woot! It is here! It is purple! I run my finger over some weird fingerprint detector and it recognizes me! Yes. Too exciting.

I vow to try and care for this one better than I did the last. That fucker only made it about 2 1/2 years. I blame the fact that I took the Bar Exam on it. Fucking SoftTest killed it for sure.

Argh!

2008-11-11T10:23:00.000-08:00

I am in the middle of reading a great book - a memoir called "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls and I am loving it.

Much to my dismay I came to a pivotal point in the book when I discovered that my copy is missing pages 213 to 245. WTF!!!!

Now I have to wait for bn.com to mail me a replacement copy. Boo.

Nothing like...

2008-11-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

The Bad:

Driving 120 miles round trip every, single day
Losing all leverage in a case when a new OPEN case against your client is located at the last minute (which your client, of course, neglected to inform you about)
YOUR client telling character wits AGAINST the complaining witness not to talk to your investigator because he is scared he will "lose his girl forever" if I call her a fucking violent liar at trial.
Working late the day before a holiday

The Good:

The perfect manicure
A day off in the middle of the week
Hearing law school war stories from your baby brother
Brand new, perfectly lovely knee-high suede boots
Listening to your little nephew tell you he loves you
OBAMA WINS!!!!

Why you should always be represented by an attorney

2008-10-30T20:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday in court a client previously represented by my office came in to court and decided to represent himself to ask the court for an extension on the classes he was ordered to attend.

Big mistake.

The judge, not one for giving more than one extension throughout the life of a case, took him into custody. He couldn't be seen in the afternoon session, so he was brought back this morning.

The judges indicated for the violation of probation was the max; one year in county jail.

I took the case, and after reviewing the file I saw that probation had actually already run out and the court had lost jurisdiction, therefore he had to be released immediately.

So, the case got called, the judge asked me what I was planning to do and I informed him of the situation. He told my client to be very thankful that I had taken his case because if it wasn't for me noticing that probation had expired he would have been sentenced to a year. My client was way ahead of him since he couldn't stop thanking me over and over again. If he wouldn't have been in handcuffs, he would have bear hugged me for sure.

And for the record, I do not mean to toot my own horn as much as I want to share a good outcome for a client, since they are so often few and far between.

All I Want For Christmas

2008-10-05T15:03:00.001-07:00

That is a fucking diamond she is holding!! OMG! It is 478 carats. It is D in color (for those of you not in the know, that is the highest color rating for a diamond. It is colorless!!). It has a FLAWLESS center that experts in Antwerp believe could yield up to a 150-carat round!

I am all tingly just thinking about it!!

This is why you don't leave your feet to make a hit!!

2008-10-04T23:56:00.001-07:00

Fuck! Anquan Boldin is now out indefinitely after having facial surgery to repair a broken bone he suffered as a result of ass-hat extraordinaire Eric Smith's jacked up hit last week.

Hope the guy gets back this season. He is an incredible talent.

Death Penalty Op-Ed

2008-10-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

Here is the link.
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-woodford2-2008oct02,0,6847008.story

Here is the text:
As the warden of San Quentin, I presided over four executions. After each one, someone on the staff would ask, "Is the world safer because of what we did tonight?"

We knew the answer: No.

I worked in corrections for 30 years, starting as a correctional officer and working my way up to warden at San Quentin and then on to the top job in the state -- director of the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. During those years, I came to believe that the death penalty should be replaced with life without the possibility of parole.

I didn't reach that conclusion because I'm soft on crime. My No. 1 concern is public safety. I want my children and grandchildren to have the safety and freedom to pursue their dreams. I know from firsthand experience that some people are dangerous and must be removed from society forever -- people such as Robert Lee Massie.

I presided over Massie's execution in 2001. He was first sentenced to death for the 1965 murder of a mother of two. But when executions were temporarily banned in 1972, his sentence was changed to one that would allow parole, and he was released in 1978. Months later, he killed a 61-year-old liquor store owner and was returned to death row.

For supporters of the death penalty, Massie is a poster child. Yet for me, he stands out among the executions I presided over as the strongest example of how empty and futile the act of execution is.

I remember that night clearly. It was March 27, 2001. I was the last person to talk to Massie before he died. After that, I brought the witnesses in. I looked at the clock to make sure it was after midnight. I got a signal from two members of my staff who were on the phone with the state Supreme Court and the U.S. attorney general's office to make sure there were no last-minute legal impediments to the execution. There were none, so I gave the order to proceed. It took several minutes for the lethal injections to take effect.

I did my job, but I don't believe it was the right thing to have done. We should have condemned Massie to permanent imprisonment -- that would have made the world safer. But on the night we executed him, when the question was asked, "Did this make the world safer?" the answer remained no. Massie needed to be kept away from society, but we did not need to kill him.

Why should we pay to keep him locked up for life? I hear that question constantly. Few people know the answer: It's cheaper -- much, much cheaper than execution.

I wish the public knew how much the death penalty affects their wallets. California spends an additional $117 million each year pursuing the execution of those on death row. Just housing inmates on death row costs an additional $90,000 per prisoner per year above what it would cost to house them with the general prison population.

A statewide, bipartisan commission recently concluded that we must spend $100 million more each year to fix the many problems with capital punishment in California. Total price tag: in excess of $200 million-a-year more than simply condemning people to life without the possibility of parole.

If we condemn the worst offenders, like Massie, to permanent imprisonment, resources now spent on the death penalty could be used to investigate unsolved homicides, modernize crime labs and expand effective violence prevention programs, especially in at-risk communities. The money also could be used to intervene in the lives of children at risk and to invest in their education -- to stop future victimization.

As I presided over Massie's execution, I thought about the abuse and neglect he endured as a child in the foster care system. We failed to keep him safe, and our failure contributed to who he was as an adult. Instead of spending hundreds of millions of dollars to kill him, what if we spent that money on other foster children so that we stop producing men like Massie in the first place?

As director of corrections, I visited Watts and met with some ex-offenders. I learned that the prison system is paroling 300 people every week into the neighborhood without a plan or resources for success. How can we continue to spend more than $100 million a year seeking the execution of a handful of offenders while we fail to meet the basic safety needs of communities like Watts?

It is not realistic to think that Watts and neighborhoods like it will ever get well if we can't -- or won't -- support them in addressing the problems they face.

To say that I have regrets about my involvement in the death penalty is to let myself off the hook too easily. To take a life in order to prove how much we value another life does not strengthen our society. It is a public policy that devalues our very being and detracts crucial resources from programs that could truly make our communities safe.

Jeanne Woodford is theformer director of the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation and the former warden of San Quentin State Prison.

Things I Love

2008-10-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Buffed nails versus polished

Big Sugar Bakery "Chococcino" cupcakes

Pedicures with OPI "Yoga-ta Get This Blue"

My new Michael Kors "Iona" cross straps (mine are purple)

My delicious new Cole Haan handbag. Gunmetal grey, and it is much darker than it looks in the pic. Grey is the color this fall, ya know.

That's cool, um, I guess

2008-09-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a bunch of computers found a 13-million digit prime number.

Hooray!! Let's hear it for computer nerds!

I just want to know something...WHAT THE FUCK SIGNIFICANCE DOES THIS HAVE??

Someone, please explain the necessity to discover a number, which if printed out would stretch 30 miles, is a prime number?

It reminds me of a quote by Strong Bad: "Popular Science?! No such thing, man. More like Nerdular Nerdance."

Well said Strong Bad.

Boldin recovering after hit

2008-09-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

Anquan Boldin is out of the hospital, resting at home after the nasty helmet-to-helmet shot he took in Sunday's game. Jet's safety Eric Smith was given a $50K fine and will serve a one game suspension.

Glad to hear that Boldin is doing well. When I saw him hit the turf, clearly unconscious, I had to hold my breath.

Hats off to the league for serving Smith with a suspension. I don't know if he was intending to actually harm Boldin, but when you launch yourself head first into another player it is time to sit on the bench for a game.

Kill The Messenger

2008-09-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

I saw the new Chris Rock HBO special last night. As always, the man was hilarious.

R.I.P. Paul Newman

2008-09-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

January 26, 1925 - September 26, 2008.

I made it

2008-09-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I have driven 600 miles back and forth to work this week. After 5 days of waiting my computer was finally hooked into the network. And like a gift to me, one of my favorite bad movies is on (Thirteen Ghosts). I guess with the way the economy is going I am lucky to even have a job and a roof over my head. I am trying to plan a happy hour with my old friends at my previous courthouse, to ease the pain of the transition.

Here's to the end of the work week.

Blah

2008-09-23T21:38:00.001-07:00

What is it with crappy tv these days? Has anyone seen this "Fringe" show on Fox? It is effing horrible!!

What the EFF?!?!??!

2008-09-22T18:40:00.001-07:00

Where has Sex and The City gone from my OnDemand?!?!?!? I need it back.

Yeah, so what I have seen every episode multiple times. So what I can watch every episode on OnDemand back to back??

I need it back, NOW!! This is some bullshit.

Great Article

2008-09-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

Read this, haters!

D is for Douchebag

2008-09-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

DeSean Jackson is fucking dumb times ten for showboating his way right out of a touchdown tonight in the Philly @ Dallas game. The game was AMAZING, howev.

Ok, so he went 6 catches for 110 yards, but no TD's for you, dummy.

Name that quote

2008-09-15T19:46:00.001-07:00

"You make it sound like it's some remote fucking experience in ancient history. Man, you don't leave the Agency."

OMFG

2008-09-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sweet lord, but this new HBO show "True Blood" is awful, awful, awful.

The acting is soooo bad. And, BTW, did they not have enough money to hire a decent dialect coach? The accents are horrifying.

I am hating this show big time, but M. is insisting it is going to get better. I am not holding my breath.

In defense of Ed Hochuli

2008-09-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Alright, before people start calling for Ed Hochuli's head on a plate, let me just have a second.

At full speed, I thought it was an incomplete pass, too. They reviewed the play, he saw he was wrong, but his hands were completely tied by the rule and he couldn't overturn himself.

The rule is stupid, Ed Hochuli is not. Now, I feel for San Diego fans. It has been a tough two weeks with some painful losses. Yes, you got robbed. But the rule book, not Hochuli, robbed you.

Hochuli is one of the finest officials in the game. He made a mistake, which many if not most others would also have done in the split second it took the play to run.

The rule should change, and people should get off Ed. He is by far my fav referee with the biggest, meanest looking guns of any of the zebras - AND he's an attorney! Well Mike Carey is the shit as well, and ripped as all hell, too. Mike Carey arm signals are so precise it looks like he is posing down. I love to see him call 'holding'. Wow, football dork meter is going off right now.

Ok, I leave you with Ed's arms. Mess with the man if you will, but, I think it would be a bad idea:

**NOTE: I made a small edit here. What I meant to say in the orig version of the post was that when I saw the play at full speed, I thought it looked like an incomplete pass NOT a fumble. Just wanted to make this note so it doesn't seem as though I am changing my opinion now.

Woot woot!

2008-09-14T16:30:00.001-07:00

I don't know how many times I will get to say this this season, but NINERS WIN!!!

O'Sullivan had 321 yards! Clutch OT win for the Niners.

After the dismal performance by OSU yesterday against USC, I needed some football glory.

Thanks Postsecret contributor

2008-09-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

If more people only knew this.

Ugh...not good

2008-09-13T11:12:00.001-07:00

Chris Wells is apparently out for the Ohio State v. USC game.

Judge if you will

2008-09-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

The NKOTB, specifically Donnie Wahlberg, obsession has hit an all-time, unrequited, all-consuming high for me. Concert is a month away. I've gone insane.

I am a grown woman. I am an attorney.

I am a blockhead fo' life.

Yeah, that's right. Deal with it.

Overheard at the bank

2008-09-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

My hubby and I went to the bank to consolidate some bank accounts. We were helped by a woman who made us wait while she sat in front of us on hold with HER credit card company ironing out some problem with HER account. The awesome customer service did not end there:

Her: Would you like to be an owner or a signer on this account, Ipse Dixit?
Me: Well, what is the difference between the two?
Her: (TOTALLY exasperated): An OWNER is an OWNER and a SIGNER is a SIGNER.
Me: Uuuuuuhhhhhh. Ok. That clears things up.

WTF? I became an owner. I hope I chose right!

Overheard at work

2008-09-05T20:55:00.001-07:00

I had to call the fire department to find out how to subpoena these paramedics for trial. This followed:

Me: Hi, I'm Ipse Dixit from the Public Defender's office and I need to send out some subpoenas to two of your paramedics. Will you accept them by fax?
Fireman Bob: You're a Public Defender?
Me: Yes.
Fireman Bob: I'm sorry about that.
Me: I'm not.
Fireman Bob: Sorry, I was trying to be funny.
Me: Yeeeeeaaaah. So what's your fax number, Fireman Bob?

WTF? I wanted to tell him off, but I needed him to deliver my subpoenas, so I couldn't risk it.

Fucker.

Only at the fair

2008-09-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Deep fried avacado?! Deep fried White Castle hamburgers?! This is wrong. Sick and wrong. Check out the other nasty deep fried foods you can get at the fair this year.

I would try these deep fried apples, actually. Yummmm.

Congrats Billy

2008-08-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

My little brother just started law school (silly boy) and in his first week has passed his first milestone...reading Pennoyer v. Neff for civ pro.

Ah, Pennoyer v. Neff. The memories. This was the FIRST case I briefed for law school. I think I read it 20 times trying to understand it. Only after the lecture did I realize how far off I was. I will never forget trying to comprehend it and thinking, "shit, if this is what law school is like, I don't think I will make it."

Good job, boy!

Happy Birthday Robert Plant

2008-08-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

He's 60!

**(obviously not when this pic was taken)

Damn it

2008-08-17T15:01:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the results on American Idol are more closely guarded than Olympic results?!

I am sick of the internet spoiling Olympics results for me. I have found out about the last 4 of Michael Phelps swims and the damn gymnastic results, too.

Does gymnastics stunt your growth?

2008-08-13T20:44:00.001-07:00

Click to enlarge. Crazy stuff.

How excited am I?

2008-08-09T14:09:00.001-07:00

Due out Sept. 2.

Yessssss!! Look, Donnie is totally checking me out. He wants me. Bad.

R.I.P Bernie Mac

2008-08-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

So gross

2008-08-07T19:45:00.001-07:00

Ugh. I have no words.

"I have to ask you about a hardship"

2008-08-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

These are never good words to hear in my office. Especially not when your head deputy calls you into his/her office and sits you down in order to ask you. What it means is that "they" want to transfer you somewhere else. And most likely it ain't gonna be somewhere close.

So, when I was asked this question yesterday I held my breath for the answer to my question, "To where?" The answer took the wind right out of me. It is the word that every PD in my office dreads to hear.

I was told that they need to transfer me to a courthouse 60+ miles away. 60 MILES!!! ONE FUCKING WAY!!! Yeah, you heard me right. I said 60 miles. For you the non-mathematically inclined out there that means I will soon be driving over 120 miles every single day. And with what gas prices are nowadays, that means that HALF of the raise I will be getting will be eaten up by the oil mongers.

It isn't official official yet. That news will come Monday afternoon. So I hold out hope that there is some other alternative. But as of right now, I am screwed.

No, I am not being punished or exiled. It is just that this particular courthouse is woefully understaffed and two new courts are opening up within the month. And I am a warm body closer than other warm bodies to said courthouse.

So the pros/cons go like this:

PROS:

big raise
much nicer courthouse/offices
possibly more trials

CONS

60 MILES ONE WAY
waking up even earlier than I already do
60 MILES ONE WAY
60 MILES ONE WAY
60 MILES ONE WAY

I think you get the point.

Ipse Dixit = unhappy

Weekend Update

2008-08-03T18:11:00.001-07:00

Saw Kirsten Dunst at a local bar (didn't she just get out of rehab?
Went to a baseball game
Had my first bite of the only native street food from this town...the bacon wrapped hot dog
Dyed my hair
Missed J. A lot.

Things I Hate

2008-08-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

A client pleading on 10/10 (last day for trial)...especially after I wear my "meet the jury" suit.
Getting assigned 65 NEW cases in a month's time.
Not being able to speak to my Spanish speaking clients (Yes, I have plenty of interpreters, but I wish I could speak to them directly...why did I take French in high school?!)
Waiting for discovery.
Knowing my client substituted me out for a far more expensive and far less qualified attorney.
Probation violations.
Explaining to my judge at least 10 times a day why my client needs his umpteenth extension to complete/enroll in domestic violence classes/community service.
NO TRIALS!!!

Every little things gonna be alright

2008-07-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

With less than a week away, I have to wish all you July 2008 bar takers well.

Look, I've been through it. It was awful. I hated those 2 1/2 months of studying, and especially the last few weeks. I was angry. I suffered from stress worse than I even knew was possible. I lost my mind a bit. The three days at the bar were ungodly. But the moments of clarity came in small but needed bursts. But let me fill you in on something...

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

I learned enough to pass, ergo you will learn enough to pass. In November, your name will be on the pass list, and when you see it it will be the greatest moment of your life. And if you don't see it on there this time around, fuck it! This is just a stupid test. Take the thing again, and join me at the bar. I'll buy you a drink.

BREAK A LEG!!!!!!

This one's for you, Annonymous commenter "D"

2008-07-22T21:13:00.001-07:00

I still heart Brit. Forever. She is awesome to the tenth power because even when she is laying low and is not out and about committing petty thefts on camera, she can still be counted on for some crazy stuff.

Here is a pic of her rendering motherly care to her young son. Yeah, that is a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in the toddler's hands. Hell, at least it was a pack of Marlboro Lights. Less tar than the Reds, ya know.

Good lookin' out, Brit Brit.

Drink up

2008-07-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

A man was arrested for DUI in Rhode Island with a .491 blood alcohol concentration!! I never can remember the math to figure out how much you have to drink to get to a certain BAC, however I think this man had roughly 40,000 beers.

That isn't even the most astonishing part...he was arraigned and the judge released him on his own recognisance!! There would have def been bail in my court, or anywhere in my county for that matter.

And I know that when he was asked by his PD how much he had to drink he inevitably told them "just 2 or 3 beers." (that is what EVERYONE says)

This week's stats

2008-07-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

4: number of trials on calendar today
2: number of trials set to call the prosecution's bluff
2: number of trial dismissals because the prosecution was unable to proceed
1: number of clients with excellent cases for trial who could not afford to take time off of work to hold trial and entered a plea bargain
1: number of trials trailed until Monday
1: number of clients who shared extremely important information with me 7 months after it would have been helpful for me to have received such information
1: number of my clients on informal probation who are back in custody now facing life in prison on strike number 3
60: age of third strike client
1: number of percipient witnesses who contacted me AFTER plea bargain, whose names and information were not included in discovery
4: number of times I had to leave the courtroom instead of getting into a screamin g match with a prosecutor
1: number of clients who broke down crying upon learning that a family member was present in court and would have to learn what she did to try and pay her rent
1: number of clients with mental retardation facing state prison
2: clients in protective custody with a "green light"
1: number of clients awaiting deportation who have given birth to a child while in custody
1: number of complaining witnesses trying to shake my client down for money
35: new cases assigned for the month

4: number of clients who expressed heartfelt thanks for fighting for them

WWCDD?

2008-07-10T07:32:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been drowning under an insane caseload. I had to draw strength from somewhere. I found it in Clarence Darrow:

You can protect your liberties in this world only by protecting the other man's freedom.
No other offense has ever been visited with such severe penalties as seeking to help the oppressed.
Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.

And my favorite, and my answer for everything from here on out:

SET IT ALL FOR TRIAL. Why? Well, see:

The only real lawyers are trial lawyers, and trial lawyers try cases to juries.

WTF?

2008-06-30T20:38:00.001-07:00

I just got over a cold before I left for vacation. So why is it that I woke up last night around midnight nauseous and feverish, then proceeded to spend the next 2 1/2 hours shivering so bad from the fever that my stomach muscles are now sore from it. And I couldn't call in today because no way was anyone going to believe that I was sick the day I was do back from vacation. So, I dragged my ass to work, somehow managed not to vomit on the record, and come home to revisit the fever again. Now I am just praying for the end of this thing.

I have heard it lasts a day. I'm on hour 20. Here's hoping.